Christmas

I hate Christmas. I really do. After my mother died in 2004 everything changed. All traditions had to be recreated. The fist Christmas actually wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. All my family was there together. It was after that it got harder. Family life got more complicated. We sold the house I grew up in and I could no longer spend Christmas with all of my family. I always feel alone on Christmas. Divided and alone. Now I'll be literally alone as the person I want to spend Christmas with no longer wants to be with me as a family. I used to always dream of Christmas with my spouse and children. This dream seems impossible now. Maybe things will change but I thinknit will take a very special person to change my view on this. I think it takes a very special person to put up with me. Someday maybe but probably not. I wish I was ok with just me but I never seem to be.

I remember one piece of relationship advice my mother gave me before she died. She said you have to have trust and communication. I trust everyone for the first little bit I know them and then in some small way I lose trust in them, even my closest friends and family. I've never been very good at communicating either. Even at work I have trouble with communication. I just figure everyone should think the same way as me. I don't tell you things just to have idol conversation. I tell you something because I want you to know what I'm telling you. You just have to figure out what I want done with that knowledge.

I just I'm doomed in relationships for now. I know it's my problem, but I don't think it's something I can change drastically right now. I really want to be able to completely trust those closest to me, and I used to be able to, but now I don't or won't. I want to be vulnerable with people. I want to have someone who completely understands me and loves me for who I am, messed up faults and all, no questions, no judgements.

I've almost given up so many times, but for some reason I continue to hope. That damn little feeling just won't go away, so I suppose I'll stay for a while longer.

at least I'm finally crying
even if it is only with myself

If there's one thing i know
it's things just don't ever make sense

sitting in a corner
contemplating death
wishing it'd come sooner
rather than later

lying on the floor
crying more and more
wishing i could be happy
knowing i'm just me

huddled in a ball
pity's a hurtful thing
wishing someone'd be there
like a mom's suppose to be

being on a couch
realizing you can't go on
trying to figure out
how to make it end.

I can't handle this anymore. I think I'm going crazy.

it's been a hard time for me lately, but decisions have been made. Unfortunately there are a few more to make, but it will work out. I regret that I kept trying so hard for so long. Oh well.

I'm ready for some change. I don't know what to change yet, but I need something to change. Hopefully soon.

push it all out
leave it all behind
wish it were different
plead for more
beg

ignored
cast out
told god wouldn't make you
lost
trod upon

you wonder why belief is hard anymore?
Someone else cross to bear
I'm not carrying for someone who doesn't even want me.