I remember one piece of relationship advice my mother gave me before she died. She said you have to have trust and communication. I trust everyone for the first little bit I know them and then in some small way I lose trust in them, even my closest friends and family. I've never been very good at communicating either. Even at work I have trouble with communication. I just figure everyone should think the same way as me. I don't tell you things just to have idol conversation. I tell you something because I want you to know what I'm telling you. You just have to figure out what I want done with that knowledge.

I just I'm doomed in relationships for now. I know it's my problem, but I don't think it's something I can change drastically right now. I really want to be able to completely trust those closest to me, and I used to be able to, but now I don't or won't. I want to be vulnerable with people. I want to have someone who completely understands me and loves me for who I am, messed up faults and all, no questions, no judgements.

I've almost given up so many times, but for some reason I continue to hope. That damn little feeling just won't go away, so I suppose I'll stay for a while longer.