Saturday, December 27, 2008

Saying something more

So after my wonderful drunken rampage where I said way to many things I didn't mean to all the people I really care about, I though I would say everything is back to "normal."

Christmas was really great. It snowed to much Christmas evening all of my family decided to stay in Tooele instead of driving back to our respected homes! It was actually a lot of fun. I got to see a lot more of my family than I was expecting to and I got out of working the next day!!!! Good thing all my clients were understanding of the situation since Laura and Ed were not able to make it to work either. Basically we had appointments and nobody was at the shop! Crazy, Crazy.

understanding truth
understanding lies
understanding me
understanding you
I seek.
and sometimes find
I wish to understand
the truth of all things
never complete.

I want to live a Fairy Tale
once. maybe always. if i can
change it. over and over

I want to be in a Fairy Tale
once. at lease sometimes. if I can
feel it. over and over

I yearn to see a Fairy Tale
live. someday. if they
exist. over and over

Feelings inside
etching to get out.
wishing forever to be
in imagine.
longing to overcome
the edges of reality.
crazy it is to desire so
much. nonexistence.

changing the way reality is
believe beliefs where nobody does
seeing the thing nobody will
something like faith
and hope too
everything is there somewhere
like faith
somehow there
it does not flow but
i know its there
like hope
and faith too
things are different somewhere
not here
i know
i know

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

And it all came tumbling down. Thank God for humbling us all. Sometimes it's just too much. We are promised we won't be tempted more than we can handle. That's the one part of the gospel I don't believe. I suppose if you don't believe that then you don't believe any of it. I suppose that is good for me. So much for fathers. Everyone I've had has sucked including Him.

Good riddance.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

at a loss for what to do
drowning in everlasting despair
wishing things were different
realistically a realist

hoping it works
realizing it will not
wishing hoping dreaming
told to be real

Friday, October 10, 2008

Anyone want to buy my friends a churro? They tried so hard.

Why buy the ride picture when you can just take a picture of it?

My first time at Disneyland when it was all decorated for Halloween.
Too bad the small world ride was closed for decorate it for Christmas.
I really missed out on that one.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sunday, August 31, 2008

No news today

So there isn't too much happening right now. Actually there is quite a bit happening but I can't explain everything. it's too complicated. ah! life! what am I suppose to do with it? I guess I'll just keeping on keeping on.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Sick of Things...

I'm so sick of dealing with things right now. I have my own problems to work out, why do have have to deal with yours too!
Anyway... When I become president of the US of A I think I'm going to push for a law outlawing stupidity and uncommon sense. The basis will be what I think is not common sense is wrong and punishable by giving back to your community. I was think 1st offense, 1 year of volunteer work 1o hours a week. 2nd offense, 12 years of trash pick up at least 3 times a week for 2 hours. 3rd offense deportation to the Middle East.

Friday, April 11, 2008

The End is Here

Yesterday was my last class at USU. I am now officially and actually graduating this semester!!!! I'm finally done. I think this is one of the best birthday presents I could get! Hurray!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Today is today

So I'm sitting here watching a rerun of Star Trek: Voyager (nerdy eh?) and making chili.  I have quit my Macey's job or rather had them fire me and got a new job.  (Well I'm not getting paid yet, I'm collecting some unemployment from Macey's!)  I'm still looking for another job too.  I wish I could find a job I would really enjoy and make enough money.  We'll hope for the best.  I'm grooming dogs right now.  I just hope I can make ends meet.  It all depends on how fast I can do it.  Anyway... My sister just had her baby a little while ago.  I've only seen pictures thus far but I think I'll get down to see the baby in person this weekend!  I love new babies!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

South Africa

So my wonderful sister asked what else I was doing on my vacation. I didn't have much internet time while I was there so I thought I would write a little something now.
I spent a week in Capetown staying at a backpacker (hostel). We all had tons of fun and saw Capetown (and ate really really well!) I went out to Khaylietsha and visited everyone. My heart was so full to see these people I never thought I would see again. I can't believe how much I fell in love with all. It was so great to just knock on my host families door and completely surprise them! They were speechless! I loved it! I wish I could have spent more time with them.
All six of us spent Saturday night out with Ken's host family in their shack. I have to tell you it was the worst possible time I had there. I got sooooo sick to my stomach. I was up all night walking out to the cement outhouse with a toilet in it and the water wasn't working in the toilet do you had to fill up a bucket to flush. It was sooooo miserable. I was downing the Imodium AD. Then I couldn't have a bowel movement for like two days afterwards because I took twice the recommended amount. I can't believe I'm telling you all this, but it was quite the experience. I went back to the backpackers like at 7:00 in the morning and everyone else stayed and went to church (Kat I have more to tell you and I still have to tell you about my dogs locking my keys in my car on my drive back to Jared and Tara's. Remind me sometime on the phone!)
So one day we went on a tour of the wine lands just outside of Capetown. It was so beautiful! I wish I could just buy a winery and live on it and eat grapes all day! Someday....
The next week we spent in KwaZulu-Natal and Durban. We saw tons of animals on our safari and an elephant attacked our bus. We all totally thought he was going to knock us over. His tusk hit the window and he rocked the car. It left scrape marks on the paint. Then to top it all off he chased us for like half a mile (We actually got it on video!) Talk about a close encounter.
After we got back to Durban we had one night left so we went down to the beach (the Indian Ocean) and swam. I was so fun. I also did something else there that I'm not going to tell everyone about. They will just have to figure it out if they want to know.
Anyway that's pretty much it. I just relaxed and enjoyed. I wish I could have stayed so much longer, but alas... Logan and school and work called me back.

My Wish List?

A slow spiral downward.
I'm not graduating from school.
I'm not getting a new job.
I'm not going to lose weight.
I'm not going on another vacation.
I'm done thinking rationally.
I'm over sanity.
The End.

Friday, March 21, 2008


I'm almost on my way home. Then I have to go back to real life. See you all soon!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


I'm here in South Africa living in a tiny little room with shared bathrooms and showers. I really don't like sharing, but I'll survive. I'm so happy to be back here. I've seen so many people I've wanted to see again. I can't believe it!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

The Trip

I'm off to South Africa! Today I leave on a jet plane to the grand ole city of Capetown. I'm so excited. After a freaking long day walking in New York City, I'm dead tired and just want to sleep. Luckily I'll be able to later today on my 22 hour plane ride!

Monday, March 3, 2008


I'm sitting in the library watching a movie.  You would think watching movies would be great.  It's all I have to do for my classes but I have to watch 4 movies by thursday because I'll be missing two classes after spring break.  4 movies in three days!  It's just too many.  I'm already bored with the tv and I'm just 15 minutes into the first one.  oh my!

Monday, February 18, 2008

I'm sitting here with Angie...

We are both boyfriendless this semester.  Damn boys!  So we are hanging out together and I don't have to work tomorrow except at the pet grooming place so I'm drinking orange juice with a little bit of a kick to it.  And I can't really type on my new computer yet.  the keyboard is so much more compact and my old desk top.  Anyone want my old computer?  I don't have any use for it anymore!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Trip to South Africa

So I can't believe I'm really going to South Africa again. It still doesn't seem real and I'm leaving in under a month. I just don't know how this happened. I'm really exciting though. I will get to see all my old friends from South Africa and go to all the places that were oh so good. Mzoli's!!! I can't wait. I Think one of the most exciting things is the food. I'm so excited to have all the delicious food over there with all the different kinds of cuisines. I might even eat a Wimpy Burger again (It's really not that good though, but hey the name says it all!)

So for anyone who wants to know, namely Katrina, I will be leaving March 6 in the evening right after class to fly to New York. We are staying in New York that night and the next I think and then leaving for South Africa. We'll be in Capetown for most of the time and then go over to Durban and go on a safari again in that area. I think we get home on March 23, so if you want to communicate with me during that time. Email is probably going to be the best way. I think I will be taking my phone, but it will be too expensive to actually answer it.

Friday, February 1, 2008

I wonder if I'll ever get better.

So, the last couple days I have been sick. I hate being sick. I can handle everything, but feeling congested all the time. My head is constantly pounding and I just want complete silence. That's hard to get in my house with a little shit of a dog who barks at everything and everyone. I only stops barking when he has the toy he wants (which is whatever toy the other dogs have). I want my sickness to go away! Hey on the bright side only one month until I leave for S. Africa and about a week and I'll get my Macbook Air!

Monday, January 28, 2008

A funny thing happened on the way to the forum

So I was trying to go to sleep last night on the couch, because the sheets were in the dryer and I didn't want to wait for them to get done, and, of course the tv was on. What happened by a breaking news interruption in the programming to announce President Hinckley died. My heart dropped. President Hinckley just had a way of cheering anyone up. It's the end of another era for Utah. I wonder what's next...
I have another announcement to make also. One of my puppies is going on a mission! The couple who owns her now is going on another mission and their mission president said they could take her along! I think they are going to Texas, but it might have been Alabama or somewhere in the deep south. How funny is that. This dog (Princess Poochie, I didn't give the name!) is spoiled. She gets an eggs every morning for breakfast!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Back on Track

So now I'm getting back to life. I was so frustrated yesterday and all last week. I called in sick to work on Saturday. It was that bad. Now I'm getting back into my groove. Getting things done. I only mad one not so good decision in this last episode of self indulgence. I kind of regret it but not enough to cancel my order so I'm really excited. I've decided I will have a new job by mid-April. I don't care what it takes, I can't handle being at my current place of work anymore. So Anyone know of any good jobs?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

it's almost another day I have to work again and deal with people who don't understand what they are doing it frustrates me so bad if only if only that's it

Thursday, January 17, 2008

A constant waiting

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly waiting. Right now I'm waiting to go to school. After that I will be waiting for dinner. After that I'll be waiting for bed. Is it normal to feel like I'm constantly waiting? Well I don't really care if it's normal, I just don't think I like it. I haven't thought about it enough to really decide if I like it or not, but it seems to me at first glance one shouldn't be waiting for the next thing, but be living in the present. Can't I enjoy just sitting here and not get anxious over getting on with the next phase of my day? I guess I do that sometimes, but no lately. I need to relax and breath....

Sunday, January 13, 2008

My blogspot start

So this is mainly for Katrina, but all my previous blogs have been on myspace and for a wider audience to publish to I've decided to open it to all. There are only a couple rules. Everyone has to be honest and there is no hateful speech. I know everyone has a 1st Amendment right to say as they please, but I'm under the assumption this is intellectually private property, therefore I can set restrictions on what people say!
This isn't my first use of blogspot. I have posted many comments and posts on a private blog for a course in school once. It was all about the Chinese Government and Chinese politics. I don't remember everything I wrote though, I was a little more conservative then, but I wasn't one to "be afraid" of the up and coming Chinese. I know there is still a lot of doom (I can't believe how long it took me to figure out how to spell that word!) and gloom about the Chinese taking on the US as the next superpower of the world. Maybe they will and maybe they won't, but does it really matter. If something happens and war breaks out, the US has always had a way of eventually winning wars and staying somewhat wealthy. We are the most resourceful when under pressure of being defeated and losing our precious "unalienable" rights given us by Thomas Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence and by their word "God." Now if we really have those and believe others do is a discussion for another day. This is the end of my lecture for today.

all my old blogs

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Story of a leg shaking freak!
Current mood: anxious

My dog is in heat. She has been bleed for about 8 days and now my cute little boy is finally trying to get on her, so I think she's ovulating. This sucks. I don't want them to breed because my princess needs a rest. You should try keeping two dogs away from each other when they are in heat. It's freaking insane. I'm on a constant vigil to make sure no sex happens, and believe me I'm not usually like this.
I still love my dog though. Kira (My Chinese Crested bitch in heat), is sitting on the heater right next to me just lying there. I reach over and pet her every once in a while and she looks at me with those cute little eyes. She really is my princess. I've been letting her hair grow out for winter. (It's cold without any hair out there!) So she looks a little scraggly.
Anyway beside all this, I've been mega depressed. This Thursday and Friday have been the closest I've ever been to actually doing the deed. I saw all these pills I take and thought those will make me fall asleep, those will give me seizures, and those will just fuck up my mind a little more. All together they should do the trick. I'm sitting here (now Kira is on my lap) and I can't get my leg to stop shaking. I think I'm done with the anti-depressants. It's time to get off them. They worked for a little while, now I need to go back to dealing with my problems and not avoiding them.
Deal or be dealt with…

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Infamous Mr. Jonathon
Current mood: cold

"Am I suicidal or just hungry? American Idol, get the hell off the TV"
Once again listening to crazy music by my new crush (Ken you're still my 1!) I really wanted to write this blog to announce my use of another mind altering drug. Hopefully having two drugs will have a little more of an effect. We'll just have to waiting and see….
Since I am already typing I might as well write a little more. I have to work in the morning and I didn't watch a movie for class tomorrow. I guess there is still time tonight, but I really don't want to watch a movie right now. Hopefully I can get off early tomorrow.
I want a new job. I'm really getting sick of dealing with the stuff which goes on at work. People need to get a grip and listen to me. I'm always right. You would think they would realize it after I've worked there for 3 years, unfortunately they don't. Then our corporate office steps in and does even more stupid stuff. I don't know how this company survives anymore. Mormons need to stop shopping there, they are only making it so they have to pay more fast offering so people who work there can actually afford something to eat!
I got my iphone back. It had to get repaired. The box came back and it said after running a full diagnostic we determined you need a new phone. So why didn't they just send me a new phone and then they wouldn't have had to pay shipping a loaner phone to me and shipping my phone to them, then shipping the new phone to me and then the loaner phone back to them. Those overnight shipping fees have to add up. Again sometimes businesses just don't get it. I probably would have even driven down to salt lake at my expense to replace it at the apple store. Someday they might realize.

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Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Turning Down the Heat

I've decided my activist days in Logan are going to be toned down. I am now passing the buck to others and hope they can keep things going. We'll see. You never know what will happen.

The End

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Saturday, September 01, 2007

I don’t know why I fucking do these
Current mood: happy

Last night sucked. I can no longer deal with anything or anyone's problems, so sorry.

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Sunday, August 26, 2007

Press Release on the latest world events
Current mood: bitchy

I'm officially giving no comment on all the latest events. I've reasoned this is the sanest and more reasonable stance which leads to a better relationship with all.

Again, I cannot confirm nor deny anything having to do with the latest events in the world.

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Sunday, August 19, 2007

a little tidbit.
Current mood: Ready

There is but one place
to live
There is but one being
to love
There is but two lives
to honor
There is but none poems
to write

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Monday, August 13, 2007

the unreliable reliabitlity of me!
Current mood: Dreamy

Yet again I feel it is time for another blog. I recently happened to be in the fabulous Las Vegas and although their motto is "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" I'm going to break that eternal code of sinful indulgence and tell you a little of what happened in Vegas. So hear goes (hopefully lightening from the Vegas gods does not strike me!) I saw a couple slot machines like everywhere I looked and some gaming tables and guess what. I did not spend one cent on any of them. As I was leaving I had a couple dollars in cash so I thought (to myself of course) why don't I just throw a couple dollars into a machine for the heck of it. Then I exalted to another level of thinking and realized if I didn't spend anything on gambling in Vegas I could come back here and write a blog on this thus I controlled my evil feelings of wasting money on gambling and was able to buy myself lunch at work today with the three dollars I saved!! It was fairly exciting and somewhat life changing.

Now on to my important ramblings I know everyone (like 3 people) expect me to make. While I was in Vegas (can you tell that I traveled to Vegas? I've typed that 8 times already. I'm going to copy it so from henceforth I will just be pasting the word randomly so you don't forget about my one great vacation this summer) my aunt and I had some very good conversations about life, love, happiness, and family. I feel really good about it. But I refined my ideas about the purpose of life. I usually asked people what the purpose and/or meaning of life is (if I haven't asked you let me know and I will. And I want a serious answer), but I have never been asked that and given a real answer so now I have one. If you would like to discuss this matter further by all means let's get into a conversation about it, but of some reason I think it is a sacred part of myself and a little to meaningful to type about in a blog. I don't feel I could fully explain it without spoken word.

Thus I will end and finish my short ramblings (don't get used to this shortness of a blog) and say adieu. With love and kindness


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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Ramblings of an old man
Current mood: indifferent

one to confide in
one to trust
one who doesn't judge
one who brings comfort when in pain
one who is that true friend
this is you
this is you

sitting here with a dog on my stomach
watching waiting for attention
content with a small touch
she finds enjoyment is the simplest things

I take and take from her
a little pat for a lifetime of love
a companion loyal forever
what do i give?

I sit here wondering what I am doing. Wasting time, being bored. Sometimes it's just hard wanting to do something productive and I guess that's ok, but do I do it too often? I don't know. I guess we'll see someday.

I think someday I might fulfill my grand plans, but right now it doesn't seem so. I think I am meant to struggle continually. I realize I do work best those situations. Ones which are very difficult to resolve or have to be done quickly.

Speaking of quickly I don't think I'm going to do this blog quickly. Let it take time. I still have 2 hours to waste. Can you imagine a 2 hour blog? Would you continue reading it? Does anyone read these anyway? I'll just let you know right now. this is a long one so you can quit right now if you don't find it interesting.

Thinking about letting you know. I've come to the conclusion my feelings were hurt today. A small little thing that really didn't matter and I find the child in me hurt. My idea of self perfection jumping back into play. finding inner self thinking I failed again and thus deserve to be hated.

Hatred. I used to have a lot of hatred in my. For myself, my father, my Mother, my God, my Savior, my friends, my enemies, my tormentor, my identity. Now I don't think I do some much. Every once in a while i find wisps of hate quietly blowing into this thing that is me. Usually I catch these small tendrils and transform them into the true feelings they are, yet this weekend I found myself feeding this gentle breeze into a mighty wind, not yet a storm, but we could soon be there. I'm not quite sure if I want to diffuse it all yet. I find the hurts of my past jumping back into the present.

Back to the present. A lot of my concrete beliefs were destroyed lately. I'm not sure yet whether by my misperception of people's actions or by their will to try and cause those perceptions to be thrust upon me. That sounded like I was trying to blame other, yet I'm not. I just can't find any other way to put it. This makes sense to me, sorry if you cannot interpret it. Hopefully the near future will bring clarification to this dilemma. I really don't want these core beliefs to be destroyed. They have been my rock for so long.

I really want some rocks to put in my flower gardens. They are all so flat and need shape and texture to them. Depth it what it need. a 3-D effect which cannot be obtained through flowers, plants, and dirt alone. I would really love to have a fountain and pond also. I had one of these at my mother's house. Even though it was a lot of work and I complained, I loved it. There is nothing better than to play with nature. to control a little part of water, throw some plants and fish in and watch the world change it to a dark pit of disgusting muck, only to start it all other again when you so chose to.

I find choice fascinating. Sometimes it seems as if the choices we make are scripted and we really don't have free agency to really chose what we want, but I truly think we do. Maybe not everything thing at once, but through tons of small limited choices we make the big choices be chosen.

I want to end this blog big, but I don't think that's fitting. Big endings often hurt. So I will try to keep it simple and true to life. With words from me and words from another. I will see you all later. keep in touch. I find feelings within myself I never knew I could have just by thinking of you.

the pen, the mighty pen
writes and writes
endless things.
Nothing seems to be changing
Nothing is happening

The Sword seems...

Definite results

The smell of a candle
freshly blown out
the light of the clock
shines on my skin
like a sickly green moonlight
on a pale white day's decay
I try to wipe you from my memory
but your face won't fade away

another boy kissed me today
I laughed in his mouth
it's not funny that I'm not kissing you
I'm not laughing because we fell through
it's the stories they told us when we were younger about life and love
how our happiness lies in the hands of another
who'd fly in on the wings of a dove

well that's the way the fairy tale goes
boy meets girl and they wed with roses
but that's not the way it seems to be
and I'm pissed that they lied to me
cuz boy meets boy and boy runs away
or girl meets girl and she's afraid to stay
we end up home alone watching court tv
not living ever after happily

you're right
you are prince charming
onto the next princess when he's bored with the last
he's the hero of every story
he's got his chapter in every girl's book
he walks away with all the honor and glory
but I wonder what else he took

goodbye, prince charming
and drown sleeping beauty
shove Cinderella's slipper where the sun don't shine
toss the little mermaid back out to sea
cuz the fairy godmother had to perform another abortion today
and the seven dwarves live in the forest, of course, cuz they were driven away
but this part of the story could spark a cultural rage
so at the sound of the tone we just turn the page

well that's the way the fairy tale goes
boy meets girl and they wed with roses
but that's not the way it seems to be
and I'm pissed that they lied to me
cuz boy meets boy and boy runs away
or girl meets girl and she's afraid to stay
we end up home alone watching court tv
not living ever after happily

starting today
we'll tell the story my way
the king of imperfection
takes back the prince of mistake

--Jay Brannan

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Another thought for another day
Current mood: jealous

A mindless game of endless frustration
A jealous fad of ne'er ending proportion
A stupid choice of lasting monotony
A peaceful walk cut short with thought

A silly game forever playing
A tiny memory perpetually existing
A trivial task continually working
A lazy day stopped with worry

This is it
This is all
This is me

That is all I have to say today. I hope it's worth it.

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

My big question
Current mood: weird

All I have to ask is WHY?

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