sitting

sitting here alone again
wishing hoping wanting
trying not to expect better

wishing is fun when some come true
hope hurts when it's crushed
expectations are never met

this isn't about you
it's about me
you are gone

to a wonderful happy fucking new year

There is one thing I learned a while ago that I should have learned a long time ago since it was taught to me my whole childhood. You can't have everything. You must choose what life you want. It took me a long time to come to grips with feelings inside of me and I made a choice. It took me a long while and I hurt quite a few people very close to me in the process. I thought those people would stand by me, but my hope and faith was crushed. I have went all the way to one side as everyone seems to think it's one way or the other. What gets me is most people still don't get this. All those people who demand I choose (including the being I believe is God)seem not to be able to do it themselves. You can't have everything people!

Sleeping

I don't consider myself a touchy feely person. I usually like my personal space and don't like most people to get in it, but I recently have really missed being touched. The simplest touch can say 1000 words. That's one of the things I realize that has been missing in my most recently ended relationship. For the past 2 years we haven't cuddled or shares those intimate touches. That's probably one of the main reasons I've lost a lot of trust and closed up emotionally. I've been told I am emotionally closed off and I admit I struggle opening up to people, but the key to getting to my heart is those simple intimate touches. Without that it doesn't matter what you say. They and just words and a touch goes beyond that. Even now with that someone still sleeping in my bed, lying right next to me, I don't feel emotionally attached. I feel ignored and have felt that way for a very long time. Words words words all I hear is words. I long for finding that special touch again. My heart aches becausethe person lying right next to me right now has never understood that an probably never will as I can't explain it. The person I want most to share in the intimate feelings the little touch can do has no desire to reach over and touch me. Why is he still sleeping in my bed? Why am
I still here aching? I guess I still hope. Most of the time that seems to end badly for me. I guess we will see this time.

Christmas

I hate Christmas. I really do. After my mother died in 2004 everything changed. All traditions had to be recreated. The fist Christmas actually wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. All my family was there together. It was after that it got harder. Family life got more complicated. We sold the house I grew up in and I could no longer spend Christmas with all of my family. I always feel alone on Christmas. Divided and alone. Now I'll be literally alone as the person I want to spend Christmas with no longer wants to be with me as a family. I used to always dream of Christmas with my spouse and children. This dream seems impossible now. Maybe things will change but I thinknit will take a very special person to change my view on this. I think it takes a very special person to put up with me. Someday maybe but probably not. I wish I was ok with just me but I never seem to be.

I remember one piece of relationship advice my mother gave me before she died. She said you have to have trust and communication. I trust everyone for the first little bit I know them and then in some small way I lose trust in them, even my closest friends and family. I've never been very good at communicating either. Even at work I have trouble with communication. I just figure everyone should think the same way as me. I don't tell you things just to have idol conversation. I tell you something because I want you to know what I'm telling you. You just have to figure out what I want done with that knowledge.

I just I'm doomed in relationships for now. I know it's my problem, but I don't think it's something I can change drastically right now. I really want to be able to completely trust those closest to me, and I used to be able to, but now I don't or won't. I want to be vulnerable with people. I want to have someone who completely understands me and loves me for who I am, messed up faults and all, no questions, no judgements.

I've almost given up so many times, but for some reason I continue to hope. That damn little feeling just won't go away, so I suppose I'll stay for a while longer.